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Zhen Yin's thoughts: Will you forgive me?

Porridge cooked ... add the cooked sliced pork into the porridge...
"Don't add the pine nuts too early: President Cui does not like them soft..." Chef No has reminded me a few times...
Ommo.. Where did I place the pine nuts? .. Yes, here it is..
Stirring.. Emm.. this looks fine.
Yes, Chef No’s recipe should work..
Jenny teased that I am learning to be your good wife.. Poor you, have to put up with me..
Quickly bathed and changed.. Packed everything into a thermos flask..
Mdm Cui did say it tasted nice the last time, “Zhen Yin, this is nice. Didn’t know you can cook?”
Running late... got to run!

...
...

Ring…
Dig and ...
“Yes. GM Han"
“Zhen Yin”
“Yes?"
“Zhen Yin”.. Tai Jun repeated..
“Yes? Quick..
No, wait.. I am getting off the bus. I don’t want to trip!
Wait..
Yes? Quick..”
“LISTEN to me. “ Tai Jun sounded solemn.
“Yes??”
“Mdm Cui has just left us...”
“What? .. What did you say?” … I let go of my flask..

She was fine yesterday.. we were talking..
She said she liked the pine nut porridge I prepared... jokingly she said, “it is better than Chef No's...”
And how are things going between Tai Jun and me recently...
She has so much life in her - the doctor’s diagnosis must be wrong...HOTEL is doing so well after the launch of the extension... why is she leaving us now?

Silently, I walked towards Sapphire..
Rong Qi and Tai Jun are there..
I walked inside..
Mdm Cui.. little by little, I walked towards her..
Felt a slight pat on my back..

She looked calm, a subtle smile on her face..
I kneeled down ...
She has been so good to me.. like a mother, like a mentor...
never reprimands me.. even when I act on impulse.. “Mdm Cui”..
Slowly, others arrived..
I walked away …
Aimlessly… the vision in front started to blur..

In the empty office, my head on my desk.. saw the phone.. and found your phone number on the post-it, pasted on my computer screen

“Ring, Ring.. Ring…”
“Hello?” .. I swallowed..
“Hello?” .. I heard the voice that I wanted to hear..
“HELLO??”.. Yes, that’s you.. I sobbed..
“Don’t cry, dear… ”
I don’t know.. don’t know what to say…
Instinctively, when a HUGE stone had just dropped heavier into my heart and mind..
I just called .. wanted to hear your voice..
I .. I…. “Dong Xian…”
“Yes, dear, I am here…”
“…passed… away…” .. sniff.. sniff..
“Calm down first … I am here, tell me what happened...”
I couldn’t control myself..I heard you.. but, “Dong Xian, sorry… I will call ... later…”
My head on the table again…

Although I know this may be coming, I feel too sad..
I just saw and spoke to her yesterday..
She looked pale but fine.. I thought she is getting better..
Although she must be feeling somewhat uncomfortable..
But she fought..
My heart and mind being all tied up and squeezed.. head hurting.. kept crying..

Sniff.. sniff..
“Ring … ring… ”
“Sorry, Dong Xian…”
“Dear, feeling better now?”
“Sorry…”
“Silly girl, why are you apologizing? Feeling better now? Can you tell me what had happened?”
Took a deep breathe, "…Mdm Cui just passed away..."
“Mdm Cui? You mean President Cui?”
“Yes..
I saw her just now.. and called you.. but was too sad, I couldn’t talk..”
“...This is rather sudden.. Was that heart attack?”

"Dong Xian, please forgive me..."
“Regarding?”
“Please forgive me.. ”
“For I have been hiding something from you in the last few months...But I couldn’t tell you.. I promised that I can’t... I found out Mdm Cui has terminal cancer just before you left for US... She had asked and wanted me to stay, to help in our HOTEL.. Not to leave.. I can’t .. I can’t refuse... She was so good to me.. almost like a mother..
I am bad.. You asked me.. I can’t tell you, and I can’t leave with you.. I am bad…
But I love you..I confess to you.. I have been hiding these from you. I am bad..
I am bad.. ”

“Silly girl, you've done nothing wrong. It must be a tremendous burden to you... I only wish I know earlier so that I can share it with you...”
"Sorry..." I found myself repeating..
”No need to say sorry. When you say you can't leave with me, but can't give me a reason, I know you must be in a difficult position.”
"Thank you..." Dong Xian, you .. thank you.. you understand..

“How is the funeral arrangements?”
"Don’t know.. Too confused.. but Mdm Cui has requested to be buried next to late Mr Cui, … They’ll be together"
"Dong Xian..."
“Yes?”
"I missed her so much..." tears started to fall again..
I just saw her.. I cooked something for her..
She is so elegant, so wise.. Rong Qi must be so hurt..
She kept working till her last day... but she must be in so much pain...
Looking at the pill bottles and jabs she had.. and the coward me is so afraid of pain..
Such a graceful and kind lady.. why is this happening?”

“Dear, I know... even though you don't see her anymore, she has gone to a better world where there is no more sufferings... so you should be glad for her...”
"Yes... no more pain.."
A long silence.
Sniff, sniff…

"Dong Xian..."
“Yes?”
"Will she go to Heaven?"
“Yes, all good people go to Heaven...”
"Dong Xian..."
“Yes, dear...”
"Can you say a prayer for Mdm Cui?"
“Yes, dear. I will ... All powerful and merciful God, we pray for Mdm Cui. In this world, she has died but let her live with You and rejoice in Your kingdom forever. Amen.”
"Thank you... Dong Xian..."

“Dear, feel better now? ”
A long silence.. I nodded.. Seemed to feel your warm arms around me...

"I got to go. There is a conference banquet tonight at Diamond Villa... I have to work harder now as Mdm Cui is no longer with us. ”Before I go, "Dong Xian..."
“Yes?”
"Thank you..."
“For?”
"Listening..."
"Will you forgive me?"
“Forgive you for? If it is about lying to me, yes... If it is about the fact that you woke me up at 4am, no... ”
Ha.. my mind and heart feel lighter.. with your voice.. Thank you .. Sniff..

Have to hang up now but ...“Dong Xian..."
"Yes?"
"Dong Xian .. Madam Cui had terminal lung cancer b’se of long-term smoking... “
"Do you want me to give up smoking?"
"Can you try? For me?"
"Cannot promise ... but I will try...
...

"Take care... I miss you...”
"m...i...s...s... you too...” Thank you, dear.. for listening, for understanding, for being here..

...

Stared at the phone for a while..Wiped off my tears..Touched my name-tag..Need to touch-up and be at the conference venue..

Mdm Cui, Zhen Yin will not disappoint you..

 Last updated: 1 Jan 2005

In Dong Xian's PDA: There is nothing to forgive...

Ring … ring… turn the bedside light on: 4:10am…
no number on caller-ID …
“Hello? ”
Silence on the other side
“Hello?”
Still silence…
…a prank at this lousy hour?
“HELLO?? ”

Then, a faint sobbing: you are on the other end of the line…
Heart-ached: why are you crying? Who bullied you?
“Don’t cry, dear… ”
“Dong Xian…”
“Yes, dear, I am here…”
“Dong Xian…”
“Dear, I am here…”
“…passed… away…” the sentence was drowned in between your sobbings and sniffings…
“Calm down first … I am here, tell me what happened...”
As soon as I said that, you burst out crying…
“I am here…”
Don't cry please... Even though I am too far away to wipe your tears, to give you a hug... I am here for you... always...
“Dong Xian, sorry… I will call ... later…” you hang up before I can respond...

...

Hanging onto the headset, I am really tempted to call you… but maybe I should let you calm down first…
Passed away? Who? You were crying so badly so it must be someone close. Family? Friends? Trying to think through whom you mentioned has not been well recently but can't recall any...Someone at the Hotel? Not likely as Jenny did not mention anything yesterday when I talked to her...
So who was that? Couldn't figure out ...
Fully awake now... Got up from bed, walked to the study, boot my laptop to browse around for financial news... tempted to call you but maybe I should wait...
...
Ring … ring… phone's ringing again...
“Sorry, Dong Xian…”
“Dear, feeling better now?” you sounded better...
“Sorry…”
“Silly girl, why are you apologizing? Feeling better now? Want to tell me what happened?
You paused before you uttered, "Mdm Cui just passed away.."
“Mdm Cui? You mean President Cui?"
"Yes..." you confirmed...
This is rather sudden... “Was that heart attack?”
...
"Dong Xian, please forgive me..." Instead of answering, you asked for my forgiveness...
Sorry.. About what?
“Please forgive me.." you repeated...
"For I have been hiding something from you in the last few months..."
Now you got me intrigued...
"But I couldn’t tell you.. I promised that I can’t.. I found out Mdm Cui has terminal cancer just before you left for US... She had asked and wanted me to stay, to help in our HOTEL.. Not to leave.. I can’t .. I can’t refuse.. She was so good to me.. almost like a mother..I am bad.. You asked me.. I can’t tell you, and I can’t leave with you.. I am bad…
But I love you..
I confess to you.. I have been hiding these from you. I am bad..
I am bad..”
...
You said all these in one breath as if you have recited it many times... all these guilt you've been carrying in the past few months...poor girl, you must have thought about it so often ...“Silly girl, you've done nothing wrong. It must be a tremendous burden to you... I only wish I know earlier so that I can share it with you...”
"Sorry..." you kept saying.
“No need to say sorry. When you say you can't leave with me, but can't give me a reason, I know you must be in a difficult position...”
"Thank you..."
...
You seemed much calmer now... “How is the funeral arrangements?”
"Don’t know.. but Mdm Cui has requested to be buried next to late Mr Cui, in the mountain behind Hotel Seoul..."
Overseeing and protecting the HOTEL..This is what differentiates Hotel Seoul from the rest: dedication, beyond life-time, to what you believe in...
...
"Dong Xian..."
“Yes?”
"I missed her so much..." you started crying again... I know dear... don't cry...
“I just saw her.. I cooked something for her..
She is so elegant, so wise.. Rong Qi must be so hurt..
She kept working till her last day... but she must be in so much pain... Looking at the pill bottles and jabs she had.. and the coward me is so afraid of pain.. Such a graceful and kind lady.. why is this happening?”
Dear Zhen Yin, the only certainty in life, is death... but I am sure that is not what you want to hear... “Dear, I know... even though you don't see her anymore, she has gone to a better world where there is no more sufferings... so you should be glad for her...
"...Yes..." hesitantly, your replied...followed by a long silence...
...

"Dong Xian..."
“Yes?”
"Will she go to Heaven?"
“Yes, all good people go to Heaven...”
"Dong Xian..."
“Yes, dear...”
"Can you say a prayer for President Cui?"
“Yes, dear, I will ... All powerful and merciful God, we pray for Mdm Cui. In this world, she has died but let her live with You and rejoice in Your kingdom forever. Amen.”
"Thank you... Dong Xian..."
“Dear, feel better now? ”
A long silence.. I can't see you from here but at least, the sobbing and sniffing stopped.
...
"I got to go. There is a conference banquet tonight at Diamond Villa...I have to work harder now as President Cui is no longer with us..."
Yes, dear... that's the spirit... I am sure that is what she wanted to see.
"Dong Xian..."
“Yes?”
"Thank you..."
“For?”
"Listening..."
That's the least I can do...
"Will you forgive me?"
“Forgive you for? If it is about lying to me, yes... If it is about the fact that you woke me up at 4am, no... ”
This seems to work and I can hear the mixture of sniffings and gigglings ..
...
“Dong Xian..."
"Yes?"
"Dong Xian .. Madam Cui had terminal lung cancer b’se of long-term smoking... “
"Do you want me to give up smoking?"
"Can you try? For me?"
"Cannot promise ... but I will try... Take care... I miss you...”
"m...i...s...s... you too..." it was faint but I am sure I heard it before you hang up.
...
Hang up the phone... shutdown the laptop... reach for the drawer... before I realize, I already got a cigarette in my hand...
Frank Shin: you call this trying? You got to try harder than this...

 Last updated: 1 Jan 2005