In Dong Xian's PDA: Cuts and wounds

As soon as I sat down, Leo said, "Boss. They found the person you are looking for."

The person I am looking for... Leo passed me the fax: it was him.

I hesitated, before I gave Leo my order, "Cancel all appointments in the afternoon." I wished I could forget about him but why couldn't I?

The drive to East Ocean was long. To be exact, it was 21 years 3 months and 11 days. I asked myself whether I should see him or even why I should see him at all. I couldn't give myself any satisfactory answers at all.

We got to the address on the fax. I waited outside the car for Leo. He went into the house and checked. There was no Shin Zhang Hyuk there. Seemed that he has moved, and no one knew where he has moved to. The only clue was that he frequented a small restaurant nearby.

This place was next to the wharf, where seagulls flied freely... I got out of the car, walked into the restaurant.

I wished that he was not there so I could tell myself he was as good as dead. But when I pushed the door opened, I could even recognize him from his back, sitting at a corner by himself.

The owner came up to greet me enthusiastically, "... come... take a sit. What would you like to have?"

Anything, anything would do.

She continued to introduce me to the specialties at her shop, but I could not hear a thing:"... what would you like to have?" she asked again.

Anything, anything would do.

"Wine?"

Yes.

I took the table behind him. He looked much older from behind, shabby clothes, back humped, looking rather miserable.

The wine came in, and I invited him for a drink.

"Mister", and that was how I addressed my father, a stranger, after so many years

He turned and looked at me, a stranger.

It was the same face on the fax but older. I tried to remember exactly how he looked like years back but I could not recall.

"Do you wish to have a drink with me?" That was our first conversation in 21 years...

He wiped his face clean with his hand. The thought of having wine apparently delighted him.

Food came. I did not want to eat and he only wanted to drink.

He finished one cup after another as if he has not drank for years, "That feels great! All those dirt that was stuck in my throat for years are now gone." Dirt? Stuck? Gone?

He put the empty cup in front of me, asking for more.

I poured him some more wine.

"Mister, what do you do for a living?" I asked.

"Me? What can I do at this age? I am only taking care of kids..." Kids?? Liar! LIAR!

"What kids?" The owner dropped in her comments, "... he is nothing but a beggar." A beggar? My father ... a begger...

Isn't that what the Buddhist called Karma: a father getting the punishments he deserved for abandoning his own kids? I waited so long to see this but witnessing him in this state did not please me.

He dug around his torn pockets for cigarette so I took my packet out. He grabbed one quickly, kept it; grabbed another one, which I lighted for him.

"Mister, do you have you kids?" Did you remember you have kids?

Through the cigarette smoke, he said softly but surely, "No."

"What do you mean?" The owner jumped in again.

"That was in the past," he insisted that it was history,"...something in the past..."

For him, it maybe something in the past.

For me, it has been my past, is my present, and will be my future.

If you couldn't be bother about me, why bring me into this world to suffer? Why do I have to pay for what you did in the past???

"After my wife died..."...yes, I still remembered, mum went on a rainy day... "...I send my son abroad to study." Send aboard to study? Why did you keep lying to me? LIAR!

"What about your daughter?" My sister, Dong Xi: what did you do to her?

He did not reply but the owner replied on his behalf, "The only thing he love is gambling. How could he find time to take care of the kids. He learnt that Americans liked to adopt abandoned kids so he gave them away happily."

I still remembered. He brought me to the orphanage, telling me to play with the other kids, and he would come back to pick me up later...

"It was good to be in US, at least they got fed, dress well, eat well and can go to school as well. Isn't that fine?"

NO. It was not fine.

Did he know how it felt to be taken good care by someone unrelated to you? The more they cared for you, the more you realized it was because they pitied you, "... poor Dong Xian, lost his mum so young...poor Dong Xian, his father abandoned him... poor Dong Xian, having to grow up in a foreign country... poor Dong Xian... poor Dong Xian..." I did not want any pity, from any one at all!!!

"Please, would you tell me one thing: have you missed your kids at all?" this would be his last chance.

"What could I do now? I have sent them away already."

However, they are your flesh and blood, bear your name and share your genes.

Did you ever think about them?

Did you ever try to look for them?

Didn't you feel guilty at times, even a little bit of guilt at all?

I might have forgiven him if he showed some sign of remorse but he shook his head, saying, "it was their fate. It was also mine. What could I do but to forget everything? Come on, don't dwell on such boring subject anymore," as all he wanted was to go back to his wine.

Boring subject... It is a boring subject indeed, if it has nothing to with him and nothing to do with me at all.

Did he know how it feels to hate one's father?

At school, they taught you to love your parents.

At school, they taught you to respect your parents.

At school, they told you that you parents love you and would take care of you.

How could you, and how dared you tell the world that you hate your father to the bone as he left you to struggle through life yourself?

Do I have a choice?

Do I have a choice who my father was?

Do I have choice to be born into this world?

Where is my freedom?

From the day I am born, I am already tied and linked for life with him.

No matter how much I liked or hated being his son, I have no choice.

These are ties that I could not cut, could not deny, nor even allow to forget. No matter what I did, where I went, whom I be with, this is with me all the while.

Could he understand this pain?

Could he feel such pain at all?

Could he feel the pain of a kid abandoned by his father?

Slashing your fingers with a knife hurt you for a few days, but wounds would heal and the pain soon forgotten ... physical pains were transient.

The pain of forcing yourself to hate your father, the one who has brought you into this world, could not be compared to that. The cut was so much deeper, and the pain so much more intense. Such wound never heal and the pain never go away...

"If I tell you that your son, the one you have abandoned, did not want other to find out his past ...and closed himself up all these years... to mask the shame and the pain... study and worked like a mad man, and have not experience much happiness throughout his life... Would you still say that it is a boring topic? WOULD YOU? COULD YOU?" I was surprised as how I could control myself up till now.

Suddenly, he stopped puffing his cigarette. He looked at me, finally realizing who is sitting in front of him, talking to him.

My tears are coming but I couldn't let him see them. I have hidden them in front of everyone for so long and I see no reason why I should shed them in front of him now. However, I got to leave soon as I did not know how long I could keep them in...

"I only wanted to see how you are doing." I said calmly, "That is all. It would be best that we don't see other, ever again."

I left him an envelope with money, settled the bill, walked out of the restaurant and walked towards the car.

He started chasing, trying to confirm that I am his son, the one he abandoned.

I opened the door and told Leo to start the car.

I have to leave now. Start the car and leave now. GO! GO! GO!

He was outside the car, kept knocking on the window.

If he cared so much, cared so much about me, he should have knocked on my windows years back, when they were still opened for him. Now, it is too late.

I started crying in the car. Leo probably noticed but I could not hold it in anymore.

It has been so long since I cried.

I stopped crying when I was 13, when I realized that he won't be coming for me, coming to take me home. From that point on, I told myself that I have no one to depend on and would depend on no one.

I did not need anyone to have pity on me. For whatever I wanted, I would work for it and get it myself as there was no one else I could trust, and no one else I could rely on. I did not need anyone, as no one wanted me either... ...

I stood by the light house, next to the seashore. It was quiet here, so quiet that I could hear my thoughts. My tears went dry already... so I have met with my father again after 21 years...

I looked at the fax one last time before I tear it up. I would have shredded it if I could, if by shredding it would end all my sufferings... Now, the fax is gone. But would there be the end of my sufferings?

Suddenly, I miss you, I really miss you. I miss you face, your smile, and your warmth.

Where are you? I am alone by the seaside. Where are you now, Zhen Yin?